This is the blog of Keven James Bramwell, an inmate in a maximum security Texas prison. These are his real-life stories of life in prison, and how he got there. Behind brick walls, steel doors, and iron gates, he shares the pages of his journals with the world. (Some material is adult in nature – reader discretion advised.) Cannot be reproduced without permission. COPYRIGHT 2011

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You’ll Stumble in My Footsteps

You’d think that after almost a decade in this place, I’d have this prison thing down pat. But every day continues to feel like the weight that I carried when I first made impact. It has never gotten easier or the complexities simpler. It’s remained a mass storage facility, that barely functions on archaic policies that apparently can only be enforced if you’re wearing a cowboy hat and a gun. Not only does it feel like I’m on another planet, it also operates on its own version of time, that remains at all times, in its only setting: SLOW.

Additional policies and additions to updated changes continually are posted like flyers. Just some reminders that if you’re capable of reading this, then give yourself two points. And if you need teeth that’s not an option, we do not provide anything. But hey, if you’re gay and all of a sudden transgender, then by God we’ll give you some estrogen to grow some tits. Can you even fathom that? If you lose all your teeth you’re provided with not one but two possible options. One is a free liquid diet, three times a day, that even comes with a plastic cup. The other option is to get nothing at all and, well, basically, go fuck yourself. “Free tits over here, get your free tits while they’re nice and hot,” I can hear the tit vendors cheering.

Nothing makes sense and I’ve come to understand Texas’ methods of corrections and confinement can be translated across the state as “a riddle trapped inside a rhyme.” I’d made an investment early on when I started doing time. I decided to comply with their rules instead of receiving infractions and throwing a wrench in its gears. But while the gang members and dope pushers keep them distracted, I’m going to research and educate myself and know what rules they simply make up, and which ones will get them fired. With some exceptions everyone employed here hates their co-workers and supervisors much more than they hate us. “Jack’s a great guy, he killed two people, but just look, who else can clean windows like that.” But, let one of them drink someone else’s soda, and the rage is on a whole other level. It’s everyone kissing each other’s ass, and throwing up in their mouth each time they do it. But for decades now they’ve relied on the buddy system and no credentials or degrees or an ounce of common sense. I don’t consider anymore correcting their English because “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” When Get-Er-Done is a mission statement and possum’s good eatin’ where would I begin to get them at least in the same year as every fucking body else.

I’ve cleaned my plate, and reeled in my line here recently and decided to redirect my focus. I’ve spent way too much of Texas’ time worrying about other people’s parole and release date, and what I can do to make things easier. While the spit on my face may not have been attractive, it must have been the look I was going for. Because I took leave of absence from recognizing when it was time to put myself in first place, first and foremost.

This is not coming from a place of sadness or even pity for myself. It’s a matter of respect for my mother, and how those who loved her failed. My mother’s final wish would have been for family to remember me. She’d never forgive them, not even for a moment, for dishonoring what she would absolutely expect of them. I wonder if down the line it will be them who suffer for their vacancy and more. That absolute heartlessness and lack of forgiveness that radiates in their soul. When their mother’s son, your brother, the oldest, has been sentenced by his loved one to the harshest kind of sentence. The one where you not only suffer with regret and remorse and complete absence of freedom, but have also been read his rights and served with the statement that you’re no longer cared for or loved. I have settled my own personal hell of abandonment and decided to march on. I don’t base my relevance or my need to be reminded that I matter anymore on people I once believed would always be there. I know as a survivor and my constant “under construction” signs that we are all works in progress. Collections of our own experiences and the average of those we surround ourselves with. I would tell you about the things they put me through, the pain I’ve been subjected to … but the Lord himself would blush. The countless feasts laid at my feet, the forbidden fruits for me to eat, but I think your pulse would start to rush.

I’m not looking for absolution, I’ve been forgiven for the things I’ve done. But before you come to any conclusion … try walking in my shoes … you’ll stumble in my footsteps.

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Father Time

It’s hard to believe I’ve spent a decade of my life incarcerated. Life in prison can be an absolute, tormented balancing act on the sharp edge of massive heartache and each man’s own search for meaning. I have not sat idle. I divide and conquer as if this is all a study. To comprehend the complexities of prison life and all the elements and the inter-workings of this foreign world, it takes delicate handling. After ten years, I know this, for my integrity and being absolutely comfortable as an outsider. I do my time very differently than these other men. I’m not involved in all the politics and controversies here. They go full force. I don’t hustle politics or gamble.

What I do is inspire and remind people that true freedom can not be bought and sold in any courtroom. It’s without question something you have to discover within yourself. We all are deeply wounded and continuously degraded down here. Some have lost their will entirely. We roam, helpless, while our mothers, our fathers, and children pass away. Helpless. There’s a loneliness like nothing you’ve known that aches deep in your bones. The vacancy in the repeated abandonment and discarded promises were told every day from those of you who think they’re free. Are you free?

Over the decade, I’ve found pieces of my life’s puzzle in only ways God could have orchestrated. I’ve loved in ways that have taught me selflessness and how to be courageous. To love someone is to be courageous. Have you ever thought of it that way? I’ve said many good-byes and watched that last corner be turned and then VANISH. It’s comparable to a death. It really is, because that person is just instantaneously gone. Life moves on (and incredibly fast) when a man reclaims his freedom. I’ll hear from them for a few weeks, then maybe once a month. But the world begins to consume and command your every hour. I don’t allow myself to feel discarded or forgotten. I know with certainty that I made an impact on your life, and in some way will forever remain a part of it. With or without you in mine.

My days are very busy. I work as a clerk 0500 to 1600 hrs. I have an important job and actually enjoy being able to organize groups and create projects with individual accountability. The way I do things is not conventional here by any means. The system here is designed around old ideas and outdated solutions. Things have now been modernized and after a process of getting everyone familiar and on board, we have the best department in the state.

It is important, even behind these walls, to continually challenge yourself and adapt those processes to other areas of our lives. My challenge right now is a huge one. I’ve had some research done, and there has never been a study and/or book written about the communications between incarcerated men and their fathers. You hear every war story imaginable in here. I’ve noticed over the years that no one ever speaks of their father. This person, this part of your life, is sacred to a man. Much deeper emotions to talk about than say, a wife or mother. What was his nickname for you? Did he ever tell you he loved you? Do you hope to meet him someday? I’ve worked on a collection of 42 questions that I believe will grant others great insight on this topic. I’m going to interview as many men as possible. I’ve done five interviews already, and the intensity is obvious and present; I talk to my father first, and allow them to see my own vulnerability. What’s amazing is the person who has never even met his father, and yet has much more to talk about than those who have. One man watched, as a child, while his father beat up and raped his mother. It was when he watched his dad put his hands on his 8-year-old sister, that he stabbed him in the face and neck 21 times. He wipes tears away and asks me if anyone is looking. These stories are powerful and I’m looking forward to this project. It will become a published book. When a title surfaced that could not have fit better, that’s when I decided this has to be a book. Father Time.

What are reason and purpose in this life if not to be on a constant search for understanding and the ultimate realization that we may very well never find the answer. It’s our own individual quest. I’m sending this out with all my love and a single request, that each one of you look in the mirror and love that person you see in its reflection. Look in your mirror’s reflection, and treat that person well, you’re their protector.

Little Earthquakes

Always

Suns rise and set

Moons come and go

Stars journey to a distant sky

Tides ebb and flow

Clouds form and fade

as if to silently say

That all we ever really have

is tomorrow’s yesterday

But there’s one thing time

will never ever own

And one day time itself

will have to finally show

that though the winds of change

may carry away the days,

My heart will be here

holding you always…

all ways.

–Terah Cox

 

Epic

It’s not that I have changed my mind

Or misplaced all the reasons

And it’s not that I have lost my courage

It’s still secure and in safe-keeping

 

It’s the tangle of misconception

That ravages my spirit

The decision made to carry away

And annihilate my existence

 

Where in one’s soul does redemption go

When judgments have already denied it

And when the one’s you love, have turn and run

A sentence of a different confinement

 

I’m not quite certain if the search is over

Petals still cling to their vine

Like a poem to a poet

A voice to a choir

A riddle trapped inside a rhyme

EPIC.

–Keven James, April 2016

Me, Myself & I

Me, myself, and I is the anthem to The Solo Flight (Keven’s newest collection of artwork, poetry, and blog entries)

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Solo Flight Collection

If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear and I don’t know the reason why you brought me here, but just because you love me the way that you do, I’m gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.
‘Cause I’m not who I was when I took my first step and I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet, so if all these trials bring me closer to you, then I will go through the fire if you want me to.
It may not be the way I would have chosen when you led me through a world that’s not my home, but you never said it would be easy, you only said I’d never be alone. I’ll remembering the suffering your love put me through and I’ll go through the darkness if you want me to.
–Keven James, March 2016