“What is to give light must endure burning.”
We accomplish certain things only because of our failures and defeats. The process of making the right choices and being able to determine their consequences, are all things that over time we are taught. I often wonder why my mind has allowed my heart to make the judgement calls. It’s almost as if no one else is listening. My heart has full possession of the helm. Something takes over my thought process, and immediately it becomes emotional.
Sometimes it will happen because of a single word. My memories flick like lightening bugs, tiny little sparks that grab hold of my attention. Each with its own measure of longing, remorse, warmth, and regret. Throughout the day these lights flash continually. Even as I type, even as I lay falling asleep, even as I mail an envelope. I make decisions that have the least potential of adding to the weight it all balances on my heart. My heart needs to rest. But how do you do this?
I’m not uncomfortable saying that I’m at the center of a major depression. The kind that warns you to seek shelter. The kind of depression that rains days on end. The kind that pours. I’m unsettled and feel beside myself. The things I once enjoyed I no longer have any desire to take on. I have to force myself to write or paint. I say this in a whisper but, in many ways, I feel like I’ve begun to let go.
That doesn’t make sense, does it? It’s like it’s happening without my knowledge.
I look at my journals from the past years, and my life now is very vacant. A lot of this possibly has to do with the fact that I’ve spent the last decade beside another person 24/7. The bonds that can be built in here are unique, to say the least. People become family. When you’re around someone for five years, you become accustomed to their presence. They become a brother, a best friend. Parting ways becomes a gut-wrenching process that feels like death. The only thing that puts it into perspective is the comfort of knowing this person you love is free. Knowing they will not have to endure this world any longer. Countless promises are made and carved in stone; to never abandon one another. Once again I learned these words become worthless.
I don’t know if I will ever have to face this anguish again. I don’t know where in my heart I’d find the capacity to even hold onto this. I just let things settle where they may, and I try to be a beacon of hope in a cascading world of despair. My heart continues to beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage.
2018 — My resolution is heart-less.
New Year’s Eve 2017