I’m on a crusade to rescue myself from this treacherous place. It’s pulling me apart to the point where I’ve been hiding away and my skin hasn’t felt the warmth of the sun in months. This has been more profound than the classic state of depression. I’ve lost the person I’ve relied on for the past 4 years, the one who taught me the skills I need to survive in this place. During that time I was focused on the positive and saw beyond these walls. When the reality hit me that he was really gone and I’d have to do it on my own, I was devastated.
When I first got here I heard everyone talk of their family and friends vanishing and how soon you would be forgotten, but I didn’t believe it would happen to me. I thought that I would always have the love and support of those who declared their loyalty to me, but I was mistaken. Sometimes I feel as though I’m on another planet, further from everyone and everything in this world; the world that I’m no longer a part of. Even so, I’m blessed to have several people who have never turned away from me.
I have decided I will not allow this place to take the wind from my sails. I will be stand strong and the fight inside me will not be forsaken or given as payment for my failures. All the chambers of my heart will beat like the wings of a wild bird imprisoned in a cage. I will pull my strength from whatever sources I can.
Some of these sources are the books that people send me. One book, Prophesy by Kahlil Gibram’s arrived one day in a small envelope postmarked from India, with no return address or accompanying note. I also have been fascinated by Robert Greene’s book, The 33 Strategies of War, and books about the power of your subconscious mind, as well as an invaluable book called Sacred Wounds. These books all help me in various way to stabilize my emotions and begin to repair the damage of all the disturbances I’ve suffered.
Over the past 4 months, I’ve been a leather craftsmen’s apprentice. Learning the trade that could very well provide the means for me to hire a lawyer for the first time. There is no other way to get my sentence reduced or to actually have a trial. I have also been painting and creating abstract art, which has re-awakened a lot inside of me. I’ve dusted off the ashes and am bringing back to life the creativity and individuality that define me.
This new year I have resolved to keep my head and spirits above water. I have resolved to continue sharing my story with everyone through this blog. It’s so important for me to keep in in touch and stay connected with the world I see out my window. I wish all of you the very best and hope there is comfort and peace in your heart.
“He is a stranger to this life
stranger to those who praise or blame,
for he upholds the torch of truth,
although devoured by the flame.” –K.G.
